Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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