Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
