I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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