shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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