I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
