I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
