Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
