This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
