If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
