Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
