I just cut my nipple shaving
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
