Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
