So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
