he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
