So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
