3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
