when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
