i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
