2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
