my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
