the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
