you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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