So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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