I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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