I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
