when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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