she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I want a musical about memes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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