You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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