U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
