I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
