we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
