I can text with my tongue
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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