We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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