I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
