I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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