i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
