I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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