i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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