he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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