My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
