Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
