I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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