I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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