My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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