I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
