I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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