The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
