I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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