I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
