$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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