She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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